"part of a story with a long history and no future"

deleted.

it's so hard to write anymore. it all smells the same. 

they come, they find someone who fools them into thinking they can do better. they go away.
they come back, always too late.
"that's what people do, they hold hands"
not me, not me...
not me.

even michael jackson lied. 
"he was a confused man"
baby.

back to my books. i should have known better.
before midnight.
shift.

dolphin girl

cat pyjamas

looking for an ending

just like at lunch today

funny how it always loops back to the beginning

infinite...

(he called me the other day to let me know that a bird of paradise had popped up from beneath the backyard weeds)

...because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... - Kerouac

abacus

am i ready for nine to five?
in the eye of my storm
woke up to a song today that says me better than me
hoping for the best but expecting the worst
are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

heaven can wait
and diamonds are forever

new deal

the devil thought i was nancy, so long ago
this was a lie too
nothing ever changes, until now

actually, make that never again
starting now

wild card

walk around in circles long enough you'll finally hit a wall.

done, so done.

i guess if there's a theme it's letting go

torn

(just in case i forget)

flashback

wow, dale cooper...

I fell in love once, on the water. 
I had plans.
There was a boat, and something about a fishing trip.
All was on the up and up.
I suppose that was a long time ago.

Here, men are fishing, 
but there are signs everywhere that warn: 
'Eat at your own risk.' 
The local sea life looks harmless,
but it gets you from the inside.

Love, you may have damned me, but I have no regrets.

release

i had wings once...but they were stolen from me...

smash the glass, take them back

homage to my flaneur

first instinct, second guess...
advice

walking through puddles
“notice what you notice”
we leave these things for others to find

eyes open
hearts open
minds open

notebooks...
open
be ready

stop (in the middle of the crowd)
energy swirls and we see
time slows

kindness
homeless
*blink*

little gifts of gods in details

sit still
ask
walk
look down

tiny black beaded bag with a red bill or two
and nothing more

maybe we see better in the rain…

last chance

it’s been a long time since i've come around
so many tales, and yet none

he came, he saw, he asked me to ask him to stay
just like the movies, but too late, too far from real, too tragic to let it happen (though my body screamed otherwise)
he warned me to watch out but that took care of itself

then another/the he came
he also saw and we talked about the girl who broke his heart
we drank we smoked we listened to happy sad angry songs and he looked at me like his little sister instead of the girl of his dreams i'm supposed to be
eventually, he went home
the end
(much as i wish it weren't so)

i bought a paper fox and tried to make some new friends but girls are girls (so it's no go) and boys are always afraid i want them to be boys

at this point i'll declare that I won't pretend to understand people, even though it's true, i did just take a whole course in that!

hope lingers with a question mark in these days of ice storms and dramatic endings. beauty and danger in shocking combination, sometimes always i'm sure there are no words and then i surprise myself. now is probably not a good time to tell them the tree might fall down onto/into their home, so i will wait (and see)

passings, that's what those are...have been
year end new year longest day just gone. it starts to get light, end of the darkness, we/i have made it through the hardest part

luck and abundance and wishes fulfilled...
i met some ladies (one bug) like me, i'd been looking for a long time
(am i repeating myself? i do that)

(is this where i put in the part about locking eyes with prince charming???)
i have my loves

cold and high and wishing we were otherwise (or so)
he should open his eyes, they all should see there's more than the drawings they keep in front of their (bigger than mine) noses
caution to those who would ignore the truth

inside, don't reply
learn when to see and say no

inspired, that's it!
i saw an exquisite corpse today, a treasure grail in the dark until we found out it was just a mistake
our relationship has devolved into taking his mother out to art galleries
(is that a word?)
there are worse ways to spend my days, i know

bought a necklace
peach aventurine - whisper
so tired, what would i have done?
there's a line about staying forever for the longest time, but that's always my problem, isn't it?
never had a dad, wouldn't know...

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

there it is...
look up the otter, shaman paintings follow me home
not the first time (never been to those gardens)
(no response, water being connection missed until just now)
return, again and again and again
invite me to his home,
sit on the couch, then disappear
dirty romantic songs, dying to know who this girl is...
know better than to dare to dream that she is me
(and forget to remember that this is what i'm supposed to do with those words)

writing is so weird, you totally think you don't have it in you but then you do
take care of myself first
last dance?
unfold
maybe this is the year i will learn to sing

shadows and ecstasies

sky meets the sea with only forests and rainbows between,
and us...

i am reminded to write these things down

fog comes down from the mountains
and for once the magic is what's real

i was happy for four days, that's something.

stay open, shut down, forget
lest the memory of danger appear, like he did today
the cloud that is my lack of aim...

tiny lives
travelling for work
work / trip

long embrace, a kiss on the lips
keep the memory close

what will it cost to buy back those eyes?

i should say something about endings and acceptance(s) but i can see now they're all the same

what day is it today, tuesday?

saturdays

apparently i have a doppelganger who likes sushi

just because

searching for some perfect world we know we'll never find...

1999

sat with my mom and looked through our respective wedding albums today

i'm not sure i remembered twenty-three when it was happening, but it's all so **** clear now

bourbon dreams

via dale cooper on the book of faces: I must admit I feel...out of sorts. Weeks have gone by. No. Years. (there is a nagging fear it could be decades) Time moves at a peculiar pace. I sense it (time) contains holes, like runs in stockings. The wind whistles through.
Description of my current state: Pieces of myself have been blown apart and spread like dandelion seeds, drifting off in various realities. I know who I am, but not what I am...

or, in other words:
I can catch the moon in my hands
Don't you know who I am...

post script. it's all about freezing time in a skillful way...

theme song

episode 45 of "drummers are a pain in my ass"...

that coupon has expired

wedding colours and fancy snacks and my god what a terror we must have been...

perhaps i was just looking at the wrong end

green

make sure you write him a note so he knows it was you
breeding / laying the ground for future disaster / possibility

i introduced myself as "irrelevant" tonight and she was charmed
ironic

"we miss you", the younger one had said...
"we know you are the man behind the curtain"
random

baby witch
breeding / laying the ground for...
shocking to realize that now i am she

walking around in circles
walking around in circles
sleep