cute brown dog, dead bird

i need to pay more attention
i need to learn to dodge bullets
i need to figure out how to say no
i need to stop getting myself into these messes
i need to stop caring about why
we all have our reasons

it's so easy to make friends with animals
not like people

sleep catches up with me
blindsides me
i have dreams about losing my mojo

why does rain smell like metal sometimes?

this is my life / love story

tonight i went to a fundraiser at a gay bar where i saw a drag queen named sofonda cox do her rendition of a kelly clarkson song. i don't even know who kelly clarkson is, but i'm sure sofonda cox is way more awesome. i watched my friend (wearing a gold sequined unitard) jump on a mini-trampoline in time to some techno song while my other friend (wearing a shiny metallic speedo) humped a leopard-print covered bed, also in time to the music. i saw a few old men, and even a dog, dancing (on film). i smiled. i also won a raffle prize and caught up with an old friend in between acts. all the young gay boys love me too, and i, them. it is safe to be honest and easy to be kind.

next week i will travel back in time. the secret fantasy is that i will also travel forward while i'm at it. then an awkward work gathering, editing and cleaning, a birthday, a birthday boy, a goodbye, an anniversary, an investigation, and a hello if all goes well. i no longer sleep so this will not be too much.

i wonder about absence, i am surprised by presence, i am trying not to take everything so personally, i am trying to no longer be as resistant to change as i have always been. he was riding on oceans, someone said the other night. i will learn to surf.

new carpet

it looks like they're planning to tear down the rest of the fire trap on the corner...i imagine the lilac will be destroyed in the process...i understand the idea of having to sacrifice something beautiful in order to avoid disaster farther on down the road, but it doesn't mean i have to like it

i keep having dreams about the place i lived growing up...it only occurred to me tonight that this might be about him

the wisteria in the tree blooms this year and the seeds i gathered have overcome both pests and poison

feeling optimistic tonight

the sky was a lovely shade of purple this evening

surrounded

lullaby
it's astonishing how many of them heard me
dark, love, sleep

daybreak

it's basically irrelevant since no one comes around here anymore talking to myself find a way to make it through one week until this passes maybe then it will be fine - i hate this now how it goes how it turns how my head spins sick from it all i may not return have lost my will my faith my hope my words my ability to make logic and order it all runs together how desperately i wish i could sleep maybe the end of this place i will breathe and lie and dream of planes and love and pray

the unbearable...ness of being (me)

it warms my heart (and my ego) to know that at least there are lots of old gay men who love me

flirting with germans

my investigations are centred around the following questions:

- if we hadn't been waiting for godot, would i have had the nerve to sit right next to him?
- what exactly is it that necessitates my exclusion?
- did he wonder what i was writing the whole time i should have been watching him?
- does it have to be dangerous for me to be interested? (exquisite craft on one side of the coin, real gambles with chance on the other)
- when we made eye contact, did it count for anything?
- how many of us wish we could go back and start this dance all over again?

my money for the best lover is on the one who listens, not the one who shows you he can

green socks and mixed tapes and black angels and karaoke