wide open

I bought my boots
I can’t find a roommate
I can't afford either
I like the new B-52s song
I'm tired, bored, insulted, worried
I'm waiting
I don't wanna clash, I don't want to rehash the past
I just want to believe
I'm avoiding the work I really have to do
I will go to bed and not sleep
once more

listen
close my eyes and smile

friends of achilles

i never used to like pears, but now i do
i wonder what other great things are in store for me?

i practice spinning on my kitchen floor
while tomatoes explode inside the microwave

i wonder if he knows that now he knows my weak spot

it seems too early for tulips
we all come in on our own time

erase it all, retrace my steps
say goodnight to the shadow of the unicorn

i want to tell him...
for what it's worth,
i'm still here

lessons

it is much easier to break up with someone because he is a drug addict than it is to do it because you're just not in love with him

i'm thinking of taking up smoking again

worst part about today (aside from the guilt): dating a fat guy seems to have made me fat

best part about today: the tetris champion made me perfect again, for free

i buy a size large but then my pants keep falling down

once in a while you can order some van gogh prints from amsterdam and when they arrive it will make you forget for a few moments about the shitty parts of your life

i am praying for the flood to stop

so far from clever

i spend a lot of time looking down
my new version of finding shapes in clouds...
staring at tiles
there's a devil i see in my bathroom sometimes
i have to play tricks on myself to forget it's there
today, a mermaid
on the subway platform
holding the staff of neptune
my dreams find me
even without the grace of sleep

i suppose i need to somehow mark the events of yesterday
planets out of line says this morning
i have always hated horses
never unicorns, it bears repeating
even if it's not true
what matters is that i had no question that it could be
i wanted it to be, easy and clean
now i crash
waiting for phone calls that will never come
wishing for faces and arms that will not ever be mine
now, again, before, no end

this is not what i wanted

crushed
by too many almosts
so many things i want to grow
and nowhere to plant them
wisteria makes amazing bonsai
i could turn the poison nightshade from the alley into a houseplant
maybe steal a spring of lilac from the tree on the corner and try that as well
there's always hope
just no normal for me
in happier news,
my avocado tonight was perfectly ripe

i have to remember to breathe

spring cleaning

things jump out at me today,
done before i can catch them

i have to organize before i can conceptualize
today is the day maybe we figure it all out
what to hide, what to move, what to keep

i was upset because the light in my basement is burnt out
worried about my stuff sitting in the dank blackness
until i realized
it's always dark when the lights are out

many moons later,
i have finally discovered where the crows go

i am so bored of me

there's this crazy wisteria vine
wrapped itself into a pine
on the grounds of an old buddhist temple
it only blooms every few years
just before my birthday
and oddly,
never around my heartbreaks
today i gathered some of its seeds from the sidewalk
magic beans
on my way to work late

i live off donut store fare and potato chips and rice krispies with bananas and soymilk

a friday night visit to the museum bookstore
march break, goddess worship
young couples call to their children in ukrainian
my turn to be jealous
saddened
denied my birthright
a music of long ago longing
anyway
too burdened with debt from my naive eleemosynary impulses to afford admission
but why pay when the street outside is flooded with an abundance of ancient energy?
called to it, i pick up some of that too
descend
repeat
then continue to hide my roots

"it's like falling backwards into no one's arms"

lost (on the) head of a pin

found my glasses (too late)
still can't find my phone
nor my headphones

i asked him if they have a term for mapping one's own unconscious
they do (jung called it active imagination)
i told him how i used to do it, that i did, and how
he walked away after a while
just walked away
i know the rules of engagement, yes
but i also think he's jealous
i think he fakes it when he plays

ask what it wants
he said, and laughed
as i put the frozen veggies into the microwave to steam...
"are those green beans?"

i will ask what it wants

jiffy pop and blueberry juice

sometimes it's not enough to get what you asked for
am i only mourning the loss of the future of that flower?

maybe the funniest joke i know

i know this guy miko, he is from venezuela
sometimes for laughs
he uses jones for his last name/stage name
say it out loud
in spanish

in related news,
tonight I saw a guy trying to eat a falafel on the bus
that takes balls
so does making eye contact when you're checking me out on the subway
(he was too beautiful, i got just outside his bubble then i chickened out and ran away)

my lame sense of humour

kurt is rolling in his grave at the crass appropriation i dare not speak
my favorite underwears (the cotton ones with the pastel pink and baby blue hearts) finally fell to pieces

oh, and i finished editing (save for three pages of words i need to check)
as with always, you look back and wonder how the fuck it took you so long to get here
it's not shit, but it does go on and on

disturbance in the force

at the bottom of a set of stairs much like these,
at water’s edge, a green moss
I stepped down into it,
giving way into sea of green and yellow string beans
the slope, too (a hill of?)
the way up is slippery, tread deliberately (not the same as carefully)
(break for discovery)
dreams (again) of belgium (running out of time)

***

i decided last night that I will start reading fiction again, to stop my compulsion to create drama in real life.

he wants to make me soup.

a man who made my life miserable, gone from this world. I will deliver the news.

i miss those women who burned with an inner life.

an objection: writing is the only place where everything is clear.

the law of the father - you cannot save anything without first giving it a name.

fireflies and lost innocence

at a time when i have the most nothing of all time,
the fear is that i will lose it all

today i stepped in and out of a vortex
at will

full sun into the evening
there is work to be done

all apologies

it was the best of times
it was the worst of times
i have lived my nine lives
this is the year to put periods on my sentences.
it's time to start writing a new book...

i told you so and all the rest

today i traded casserole recipes and onion cutting tips
with my old punk rock boyfriend
(the wonders of cream of mushroom soup!)
now we are just like middle-aged suburban housewives
how far we've come...

otherwise
practicing keeping quiet
just like them
just like this moon
whatever plus a day

i could have lied

politics = i would if i could but i can't so i won't

i'm going to bed.

lilac wood

ice cream and stories about magical creatures are the only things a girl can really depend on.

I held it for her while she was gone

brotherhood sisterhood
in reverse
a room of 13 statues
living breathing ancient smells
fill my senses
one sits
alone
topology (of this ancient quest)
who ever said walking needs legs?
stand
and she will be revealed
Antigone, Helen, Medea
the order of the witch tribe
there must be light if she's still alive
resilience

drawn backwards
without fear
monkey gone to stupid heaven

chaos theory

"Outside ideas of right doing
And wrong doing,
There is a field.
I'll meet you there."

- Rumi

a life lived sideways

what do you do when you live in a shoe?
(have i said this before?)
don't make me have to kill you...

i called
they came
a beautiful mess

another cool power to have would be an ability to move time forward
(or back, or maybe into a parallel dimension)
if only for tonight
we all have dreams

at least it seems the river is still there...

stop (sunny grey)

got all my songs back, except for the whale one
ripped down the painting last night
blank white walls
no more

six doors down from the seat of my discontent,
the home of a dead magician

gazelle soup

my dream of him...
it's a whole different thing when you open your eyes
so tired
I can't do this when I'm being watched; feeling mean so I'll choose silence instead.
the path of least resistance
33 half moons ago,
a standing chance

almost warm

morning:
I spend my time propagating succulents and reading non-fiction. this is in some ways meant to replace/offset my habit of cultivating innuendo (the title of my future autobiography, and a pastime which, while fun, hasn't tended to / doesn't always work out so well for me)

afternoon:
I will hold it together from the bottom
unseen

evening:
it's about the joy of dancing...
in the face of all that is ugly and dark
(that's the part she neglected to say out loud)
"Music allows us to avoid the abyss of unbearable anxiety." Zizek, Pervert 1:37

seussical and other nonsense

now that i know him,
nothing is the same