dirt mother

We spent today in fiery undertow
Swirling air and billows of smoke and your breath...
Red
Kiss me on the lips in greeting
"And then came the rain"

A unicorn floats between worlds
I stare at the back of your neck
Only a woman understands the nature of your drive
Sink, deep

I see who sees this truth
I see who hides
I see myself as your heartbreak slips magically through our hands
Going nowhere...

Shake my head, yes...
(too tired for this fight)
I come home and fall into a heavy, black sleep

taxi to heaven

I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.
- Andy Warhol

sleep

unicorns

i wish he had been real
i'm done with him wishing i was someone else

red herring

nine
eleven
for years i have wondered at its significance
a coincidence or two -
of giants,
of symbols
misleading me
mistreating me
missing me

epiphany, a sign...
(a silent calling that's only heard by those who see my secret self)
it is (and was)
the date when angels and unicorns meet
and my happiness begins

newsflash:
pondering on the significance of years and wondering...
he found me today...and delivered an apology i've waited my whole life to hear
it's never too late
and no one's ever really gone...we just come back different
and sometimes, healed.

warm regards

my alien apologizes
my friend breaks my heart
and my unicorn walks off into the sunset...

talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, sounds caress my ears
but not a word i heard could i relay, the story was quite clear
- led zeppelin

sparkle snow

i couldn't decide what to write about today
felt like nothing happened
i was cranky when i woke up
(they don't love me enough)
talked on the phone to an old teacher - she was more wise and less crazy than i remembered
ate a donut for lunch
taught myself to edit video on a pc

loud annoying dude on his cell phone sat behind me on the bus
glad i resisted my headphones or i wouldn't have heard
"are you coming over soon? good. can you do me a favour? call the 700 club and ask them to pray for me. i'm having a really hard time at school. also ask them for some forgiveness..."
that last part was apparently worth repeating. don't know what he did, but probably all of us could use a dose of it so i guess no harm in asking...
(he got more quiet when he noticed my notebook and pen creep out of my bag, but proceeded to talk anyway about not knowing what's real...mental health problems and conversations about meds, they find me, they do...and what is this world where people talk about these things on their cell phones while riding the bus?!? i AM old, it's true)
cute-ish guy up front trying to catch my eye...split focus...but crazy always wins.

laundry
red pepper alfredo sauce, strawberry ice cream and expensive red wine
watched a little tv
watched a commercial targeted to my demographic about "light bladder leakage"
might as well just kill myself now
thought about how all i can think about when i walk over the big bridge is how people go there to die, who does that?
never me, too scared to even walk near the edge
we used to talk about that...what would happen if we drove our cars over a cliff?
it's time for him to come back, my call is out to the universe
just one more...
time to get over it and move on

(note to self - you can't make the final cut if you're not even at the shoot)

i want the moon

poetry and flowers and songs of broken hearts...
i have this problem with believing too much in things that don't exist

they gather, always at once
drawn to an invisible force

men hover near the phoenix
but don't get too close
lest she burst into flames

he sings to a new ghost

i saved up money for an ice cream maker but then i spent it on rock and roll

it was all worth it

step over ourselves

heard a cover of this tonight that made me cry

i want to learn to sing (in perfect) harmony

running on empty

sometimes when you hear a certain song at a certain time, it's not a sign, it's just a song.

the saddest poem in the world

.
.
.
It is kinder not to love when you know love has no future.

Our poor dog keeps on whining, enough to drive us to madness,
with his paws scratching now on your door, now on my door.
I no longer love you; for that I do not ask forgiveness.
I did love you; that is what I ask forgiveness for.

- Yevgeny Yevtushenko

he will never find me

I'd like to say goodbye
You can't really say good-bye to those kinds of things
You carry them with you wherever you go
Likes ducks in the snow that quack as they go
The Wind blows back discarded trash

I'd like to say goodbye
I feel that I must say goodbye to everyone
Though I love them so
I love them all
I feel that if I said goodbye to them
I could say goodbye to a me I do not like
A horrible, nasty me which I despise

I'd like to say goodbye
I feel I must say goodbye to dreams
Empty and hollow though charming maybe
I feel that I must say goodbye to things
Maybe I could just sneak out the back door and say see you later
And never come back again

You can't really say good-bye to those kinds of things
You carry them with you wherever you go
Likes ducks in the snow that quack as they go
The wind blows back discarded trash

- Daniel Johnston

carrot cake

they all made an appearance today in some form or another,
even the first
numbers and odds dictate that one must be a myth
and so, it isn't quite right to say i've given up on love itself...
just on becoming and staying

when we change our paths, we change everyone else's
and at a certain point back and forward look a lot the same
impassable
impossible
me
two-thirds through the month and i'm out of grocery money
small quests make small disappointments
a wise friend, talk
of trying to "snap myself out of the gravitational pull"
are bar fights always tied to romance?

always something there to remind me

centrefold

i wanted it to be about me and maybe it once was but it's not now
i hope he has found her
it's all about who makes us laugh, and about who wants to
little ponds and big fishes
it's funny how we aren't who we were when we started
it's funny who you can find when you keep your real world small

sometimes magnolias bloom in september
i saw it today

letting go

i always forget how much i need my body until i find it again...
the force requires balance
can’t hold myself together with wishes anymore

ain't it good to be back home

it wasn't supposed to rain today

why do people fight so hard for things they don't even want?

it already feels like so long ago
the whole world has fallen away now
i still see shadows when the steel grey fog creeps in
the path of the river
he stands with arms outstretched
sometimes he looks away
his shirt, their smiles, the distance
i float, gone away from my watch
maidens and willows and tears...
can't get out from under it

look back, way back
i am going to add "rebound relationship" to my list of special skills...
right after "zombie"

waiting room

it's all about timing
dismissed - but i hate being wrong so i'm going to stop guessing
stood up - but i'm sick anyway so i'll come home and sleep
the best i can do is a dirty old punk rock nut who wants to make me birthday dinner and vodka - i said i had plans, and i'll eat cake alone if i have to to make it true
no one is ever completely forgotten
my ocean came back (like the wonder twins - form of...sky)
i will put my happy thanks out into the universe and hope it lands where it's aimed
joy finds me when i least expect it
at river's edge
at this great height
memories of...
we let it all go
i dance those smiles and dream into tomorrow...

disappointment ball

watching the wrong path, i follow mine
twitching, this energy is fast and dark
(rapids on the river prut)
brace myself...
only go as far as you know how to come back from
training wheels
less release on the left side
blank
open
beautiful
it's too bad you missed this

i need to pee
i need to write

i found my anger in the place i least expected it
in hindsight, it all pulls to the right,
away from the left
tears when i go out to the edge
feet asleep
gather the energy back to the centre
relax
it is not time yet to turn my head to the sky
choke
breathe

i need to explore my painter side
rest in the image
the lights are on
i am home
don't look now,
i will find him if he's there
i wish i could sculpt the pictures inside my head
when you close your eyes, that's all there is...

acrid smell of ballpoint
i push my cheek into this grey floor
it was here in this brick room with its yellow band that i danced my you
for me

break

gone before dark

i am made of poison

pushing words out from the depths of my black headache, i doodle on a scrap of paper to avoid the crazy gaze of the shouting street preacher man on the subway. he does not need to see that we have met before, that i once looked with love into eyes much like his own, fascinated by his poetry just before it took us both over the edge...

spent $15 on a european magazine so i could read an interview with prince keanu in french, but apparently the north american version comes in english. can't decide if that's better or worse. at least the pictures are the pictures are the pictures...

visions of drummers and bridesmaids and arsenal games and spain...that and the light of the fading sun on the skyscrapers downtown this evening were enough to put a hint of a smile back where it belongs

it has been a few years since the tulips were this good
that summer was the one when he scratched our initials into the sidewalk
then the floods came,
and the mice
and soon enough he was gone;
now, i'm still here
the floods have been again,
the mice are returned
and he is still gone.

i know this by now
when a married man invites you to vacation in the guest room of "my little apartment" out of town, it means danger
we are all guilty of something...
acceptance
if these are my joys, so be it

one must practice...
something
anything