too many what ifs

"...writing records the memory of the image of the future that will not be - the one I will never see."
- Peggy Phelan, Broken symmetries

it continues to be true, the trick to editing is sudafed

shades of purple

i stopped dancing for a long time because i was waiting for my life to be okay
but then i realized that my life is never going to be okay
so i started dancing again

apparition

pie
not only broken, but gay as the trees
my secret (bus) crush

reading about eyes
i see myself
a white man dressed in the clothes of a buddhist monk,
my secret shame and secret fear exposed/revealed
for no one but me
(there is a mystical force that resides where i catch the bus home)

indian summer,
heart like one
maybe just not today
how quickly they get bored
when they know they're going to lose

secret quiet still surprise

end of summer
after the rain
the smell of flowers hangs in the air

when we move to mexico and start hanging out with communists
i will be the under-recognized female genius half of our duo
don't forget

anti-climax

men lie
okay, women lie too
(am i getting soft in my old age?)

time to face the music and dance

carrot cake

they all made an appearance today in some form or another,
even the first
numbers and odds dictate that one must be a myth
and so, it isn't quite right to say i've given up on love itself...
just on becoming and staying

when we change our paths, we change everyone else's
and at a certain point back and forward look a lot the same
impassable
impossible
me
two-thirds through the month and i'm out of grocery money
small quests make small disappointments
a wise friend, talk
of trying to "snap myself out of the gravitational pull"
are bar fights always tied to romance?

always something there to remind me

apples and prophecies

i try to push less these days
big thoughts without voice
careful what you let in
he knows what he blocks out

i lie still
not waiting, not anything

like the wind/cliffs on both sides

thank you mr. swayze
(and i can't believe i went to work instead of keanu's press conference today)

what i did on my summer vacation

got myself into a stupid love triangle where i didn't even manage to get laid.

went to new york for a secret weekend liaison with an older married man, only to find out months later that he was no longer married by that point (the third anniversary of our affair) but couldn't figure out how to tell me. got my boots shined by a street preacher.

met my blog stalker in central park. i was late. he brought me flowers and butterflies and prayers. it rained. i kissed him for a long time in the parking lot and lobby of the newark airport, and then i went home.

saw california and the pacific proper for the first time. from my vantage point in the sky, found out how much of the wild west is really just wasteland.

investigated phd programs only to decide that i'm too lazy (and maybe crazy) to do one.

helped my mom as much as i could.

cleaned and cleansed my apartment.

got a new roommate.

got closer to the end.

got over my ex.

re-found one of my best childhood friends/quasi-brother.

got back together with my long lost punk rock teenage love, only to be duped/dumped in favour of an 18 year old who looks just like i did when i was that age.

realized it was probably never about me, though sometimes it's still hard to believe.

broke my heart (again!), this time in several places.

gave up on love.

it will be enough

insomnia tells me that a train passes by my house around this time every night

it would just be nice to know it wasn't all in my head

the bottom's not as bad as i imagined it would be

drunk

i wish he still talked to me

centrefold

i wanted it to be about me and maybe it once was but it's not now
i hope he has found her
it's all about who makes us laugh, and about who wants to
little ponds and big fishes
it's funny how we aren't who we were when we started
it's funny who you can find when you keep your real world small

sometimes magnolias bloom in september
i saw it today

take it back

books and lovers
(sometimes i don't even know what it means but we must stay true to our intentions)
more gentle and more kind than any wolf in a sheep suit will ever be
he plays the disguise from both sides
can't get the dayglos out of my head

postcard from belgium

some weirdo called my work today and said he could tell i was a dancer by the sound of effervescence in my voice

have you ever looked at a picture of someone and known they were thinking about you when it was taken?

this is where i disappeared

eighteen

the magic 8 ball says i will get my umbrella back