angry rant to the universe

1.
went to the ocean this summer
to get used as the object of a revenge fantasy
(obviously i did not know this part of the plan)
a woman abandons her children, anger ensues
this much i understand
i gave my broken heart to the cause...
and while he drank himself numb
i put food in the mouths of his little ones
because tiny friends should not have to feel our grown-up pain

the other day,
his well-meaning brother blindsided me with an unsolicited call to arms
against a deadbeat mother...
i looked at the image of her face
i remembered his
i pushed away memories of small blond smiles and skinny, happy hugs
then
i thought of groceries and mountains of cider cans and violent silence
and
i declined.

i already paid at the door
i cannot save any of them
he made that clear

2.
found an interesting and cute guy on the book of faces
friend of a friend, the way these things go now
overcame my shyness (it's easier in writing)
introduced myself
he wrote back, once
(maybe i've now blown it by being too intense and curious right away, i forget this freaks people out even though it's harmless and they don't know yet how bored i'll soon be)
waited until he returned from afar to log in...

his first new friend after me?
the girl my asperger's ex dumped me for
we all live on opposite corners of the continent
same world, yes, but still too small...

sigh.

you can't make this shit up.

rum toffee craving

i simply can't stand it when people eat smelly hot dogs in enclosed public spaces

made a pact with myself to try and start noting beauty here too...
(fail)
it mostly lives in pictures i record in my head (i'm not a good enough photographer to catch stuff like the full moon reflecting all navy and white and shimmery off the metal roof of the secret tennis court building as i walk down the alley with my arms full of groceries...)

it may be too late
or vodka just makes me more hard-hearted than wine

aftertaste

tried gorgonzola for the first time today
it was okay

the rest isn't even worth talking about anymore

obsessed

chatted at a bar with a civil rights activist who sued the american government and won
picked up yet another married man
gathered an unsolicited phd invitation

"hey miss, drive you home? it's cold outside" called the pimp with the sparkle-toothed grin...

walk fast, head down, purse clutched

skirt and boots and brains like these
i should be coming home to better than this

now there is this distance

last night i went to the suburbs to eat vietnamese food with my ex and his dad

today
fill my eyes with candy
and my ears with talk of fairies

i guess i ought to walk away

admissions and confessions

infected...

surrender

i spent all afternoon trying to figure out what the time signature is for this song
i want a pair of ankle boots

beyond...