disappointment ball

watching the wrong path, i follow mine
twitching, this energy is fast and dark
(rapids on the river prut)
brace myself...
only go as far as you know how to come back from
training wheels
less release on the left side
blank
open
beautiful
it's too bad you missed this

i need to pee
i need to write

i found my anger in the place i least expected it
in hindsight, it all pulls to the right,
away from the left
tears when i go out to the edge
feet asleep
gather the energy back to the centre
relax
it is not time yet to turn my head to the sky
choke
breathe

i need to explore my painter side
rest in the image
the lights are on
i am home
don't look now,
i will find him if he's there
i wish i could sculpt the pictures inside my head
when you close your eyes, that's all there is...

acrid smell of ballpoint
i push my cheek into this grey floor
it was here in this brick room with its yellow band that i danced my you
for me

break

midnight

what's weird is when you randomly meet up with your ex-husband on an empty streetcar

rainbows

Q. why is a math book so sad?

A. because it has so many problems.

green

i still wish you were who i know now you are not

magic seed eaten down to nothing
sprinkled with poison, it grows again

it is hard not to covet
when everybody but me has what i want
(yes, i owe my relatively youthful appearance to the fact that i am still a child)

dinosaur tails and cupcakes

my life is pretty strange sometimes
so are other people
incomprehensible, actually
i'm trying not to stress about it
tonight a young untouchable one hugged me while a rejected old one looked on
that was fun

no wonder

full moon in scorpio
he said
mercury in retrograde
she said...

this is the real shadow test
deep sea diving
dying before my eyes,
i still can't look
draw near
touch...
find a way to stay here
open
until it's time to come up for air
that glint will save me
(we have matching glasses)
magical three
i will practice remembering the bright side
while i search the bottom

vigil

i was thinking about how sometimes it's best not to look down
i was in the middle of writing something important
when the lights went out again
i was perplexed but of course it's the moon
good thing this time i knew exactly where to look for my candle holders
missed a call
ignore the sounds
damned if i do and damned if i don't
he told me he just sleeps his life away now
"just like they did in the gulags"
i will leave the candles on long enough to breathe
and find my way into the luxury of sleep
the trick will be to catch the moment between
there is a strange sort of satisfaction in watching it burn down to nothing
goddess of mercy
pray for me
i know not what i've done