sometimes i do stupid things

i guess we'll find out if that was one of them.

in other news, there's a man i saw on the bus last week. he turned up again today. kind of israeli looking - dark eyes, big nose - but light brown skin, like the inside of a coffee crisp. well dressed. striking. he reads in public, which was the icing on that cake. i was pretty excited about him...until the boner killer - he moves his lips while he reads.

is that unkind? i was so disappointed. the search goes on...

weirdos like us

I have spent the past two days playing Idealist Counselor, just like Myers-Briggs says I'm supposed to. It's sort of hard to describe how really nice it is when the world actually gives me the chance to do what I do best...feeling no need to try and describe it for you...but maybe reading this tells you everything you want to know.

wait, i know.
it's the kind of day where you can listen to keyboard hair bands like flock of seagulls and feel happy and then go outside and the sky is blue and the air is warm but there's a breeze and there's flowers and smiles and you know that it's all going to be okay.

busted knee

Today at work I received a weird email
a prayer from one stranger for another
Not spam
Misguided incoherent
but a prayer nonetheless

There’s no one to send mine out to so I guess this is a good place to do it
he didn't want to tell me but he didn't have to
I knew today, I knew it was coming, I knew there was nothing I could do
I stand here because it’s the least I can do
maybe it’s all I can do
These tears are for powerlessness
I breathe, because it's all I can do
I wish I wish I could take it all away
No one to talk to about it because all they do is judge
it’s amazing how fast a liberal mind can shut down when faced with concrete demands on its beliefs

So tonight I forfeit work in favour of sleep
days I can find the door, it's a great place to hide from the world
Stand on my perch high above the blackness
and pray

some but never enough

i know i am old because (part two): all nighters are no longer quite the functional option they once were

if you are old and far away - are you coming to visit me soon?
if you are older than jesus and also far away - i hope you will come and talk to me again soon
if you are young and close by - you are not reading this because i didn't tell you where to find it
if you are a unicorn - i want to believe that you're reading this but i know it's probably just wishful thinking and i have no idea what i'd do if i found out it was happening for real
if you are a girl who is my friend - you might read this sometimes but you still bother talking to me in other places that have more to do with reality than this
if you are a stranger - hi, thanks for finding me and bothering to stay a minute or two - hardly anyone knows i'm here since this is kind of my dirty little secret.

insomnia insomnia go away
i know you'll be back another day

what can i dream of that will make the sleep fairy come to stay? hmmm....

grey is so a colour, especially after it rains

it's nowhere near bedtime, but i was distracted by the crazy flash rainstorm and the return of the young 'uns who don't understand the concept of quiet or of replacing the toilet paper when they use it all up...i was always jaded, as far back as i can remember...but i don't like this sense lately that i'm heading towards bitter...

and so:
perhaps this hiccup can act as a beginning
i have been so immersed in and fascinated by concepts around failure that i think i am becoming myself into one
it's incredible how much time i can kill procrastinating...hours upon hours of sitting, of staring, of nothing but circles

(i smell mashed potatoes...i want to be cooking instead of writing)

i've read the books on flow and anxiety and i know what it is and i know what to do
but i won't
the fish says i have to learn to be "a prick" to myself (that's a can of worms that we're just not going to open with regard to that particular gentleman friend)
perhaps instead i will be a fish itself
jump in and swim around inside my head and see if i can't change this tide

if i finish what i set out to do, i think i will splurge on something frivolous ($80 in my bank, but for everything else there's mastercard!). i know what would be nice - it's too bad i suspect i'm on the disqualified wackos list...might just have to settle for a painting of the ocean in a purple and green sunset...

plan B

slept all day, woken by crows in the middle of the afternoon
bought a pineapple, got myself a tax refund

i wish it wasn't such a slow night for the trains...i much prefer them to the sounds of the boom boom music party that has been going on in a not distant enough somewhere out there for at least the past six hours. i am going to go put my head through a wall if i can still hear it when i close my window. if i don't come back tomorrow, you'll know what happened to me. i hope you'll miss me, even if it's just a little.

i'm with the band

i played on the other side of the eye tonight
chance played too
as long as the somethings call me cinematographer when my footage ends up in the video/documentary that skyrockets them to superfame and fortune, i'll be a happy monkey

exciting new music everywhere, ugly poetry everywhere
and
bicycles bicycles bicycles
voices
songs
words
and later screams and fists, but not the bad kind

pizza of all kinds, tasty goodness and it's somehow enough just to think it

dragons
walls
stood on that corner for just long enough
walked just far enough
*
*
*
back and forward but nowhere at all and it's so okay today

there's nothing quite like french fries from vesta lunch at 3:30 am...