grey is so a colour, especially after it rains

it's nowhere near bedtime, but i was distracted by the crazy flash rainstorm and the return of the young 'uns who don't understand the concept of quiet or of replacing the toilet paper when they use it all up...i was always jaded, as far back as i can remember...but i don't like this sense lately that i'm heading towards bitter...

and so:
perhaps this hiccup can act as a beginning
i have been so immersed in and fascinated by concepts around failure that i think i am becoming myself into one
it's incredible how much time i can kill procrastinating...hours upon hours of sitting, of staring, of nothing but circles

(i smell mashed potatoes...i want to be cooking instead of writing)

i've read the books on flow and anxiety and i know what it is and i know what to do
but i won't
the fish says i have to learn to be "a prick" to myself (that's a can of worms that we're just not going to open with regard to that particular gentleman friend)
perhaps instead i will be a fish itself
jump in and swim around inside my head and see if i can't change this tide

if i finish what i set out to do, i think i will splurge on something frivolous ($80 in my bank, but for everything else there's mastercard!). i know what would be nice - it's too bad i suspect i'm on the disqualified wackos list...might just have to settle for a painting of the ocean in a purple and green sunset...