dinosaurs and roti

and lemon snowman cookies...
i come home from museum adventures, exhausted, and sleep my life away
it seemed official, but now i'm not so sure
since he became single, it appears he is no longer interested
p.s. the dead sea scrolls are far more exciting to talk/read/conjecture about than they are to look at

drunken snowy night on/in koreatown (tamarind)

"is there an engineer in the house?"

sadly, the rule does not apply here

ignore (mostly) his messages (punk rock boys are not supposed to fall in love), spin to bed, wake up early for a date with art and the old man (and his daughter)

bah humbug (out of ginger)

how is it okay to not talk to someone for five months and then just show up and say merry christmas and think that everything is fine? sigh.

how is it that there is either a plethora of options or none? my poor little head spins.

i will go bake cookies now.

it's not for me

sometimes it's nice to not feel so old

lost inside

last night i was walking just off a main intersection downtown
i saw a guy i know
standing
on the corner
he looked at me and i said hello
i thought it was funny that he didn't hear me
so sure i was that he had seen me

tonight i realized that he had been working
as in,
the streets
life is fucked up

it gets hard to remember what i have already said

turn it up loud
the recording's not so good
but i choose this version because sometimes watching is the way to the real
it's in his stance
and maybe in his coat
he was taller than i imagined

the best imaginary romance i ever had

iron deficient
slept all day, well into the evening

he sings to a new ghost

i saved up money for an ice cream maker but then i spent it on rock and roll

it was all worth it

step over ourselves

heard a cover of this tonight that made me cry

i want to learn to sing (in perfect) harmony

wishing

perhaps there is a reason why our vision grows inward

sometimes it makes more sense when you listen

Come to decide that the things that I tried
Were in my life just to get high on
When I sit alone come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time

Step from the road to the sea to the sky
And I do believe it, we rely on
When I lay it on come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

Hey oh, listen what I say, oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say, oh

When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more time to decide on
When it's killing me, when will I really see
All that I need to look inside

Come to believe that I better not leave
Before I get my chance to ride
When it's killing me, what do I really need
All that I need to look inside

Hey oh, listen what I say, oh
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say, oh

The more I see, the less I know
The more I like to let it go
Hey oh, whoa

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go

In between the cover of another perfect wonder
And it's so white as snow
Running through a field where all my tracks will be concealed
And there's nowhere to go

When to descend to amend for a friend
All the channels that have broken down
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up
Just to hear you sing it out

Step from the road to the sea to the sky
And I do believe what we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

Hey oh, listen what I say, oh
I got your hey oh, listen what I say, oh

The more I see, the less I know
The more I like to let it go
Hey oh, whoa

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go

In between the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed
And there's nowhere to go

I said hey, hey yeah, oh yeah, tell my Lord now
Hey, hey yeah, oh yeah, tell my Love now
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow

Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow

Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed
And there's nowhere to go
I said hey, oh yeah, oh yeah, tell my love now
Hey, hey yeah, oh yeah

- red hot chili peppers

paint chips

everything goes at once, bit by bit...lightbulbs, the kitchen faucet, my faith in mankind...

the mice are now pulling insulation out of the oven, and we can't do dishes because there's no water in the tap. vicious. cycle. the former president of our neighbour to the south lost twenty-two MILLION emails that have now been found...one can only imagine the why and the how. my roommate says i should have an occasional news feature as bedtime story, when the bizarre or ridiculous crosses my path. the original winner from today: police are at a home investigating something (unnamed) when a woman gives birth into a toilet...police rescue the baby from drowning (yuck!). the woman is of a substantial size, and was unaware of her condition. she thought she had gas.

and so, imaginary friends, it's off to the land of not-nod, where i lie still and pray to disappear, if only for a few hours of respite from the wickedness of the world. the waiting taunts me. sleep and dreams, these i understand.

thank you

one of nineteen messages written inside a card from my students on their last day:
if i was single and straight would you be my girlfriend?

plus four hours of yoga, a punk rock text message offering a sober (for a change) booty call, and an invitation from a former possibility offering another round

though it's not love, it means something
- martin gore

just another day at the office

one of my students got held up at gunpoint last night while working the counter at the coffee shop a block away from the school. that was only one of the traumas revealed to me today. perspective on my own life and problems is a good thing...as in, mine aren't so bad.

i get flustered at the hipster espresso bar so i don't go there. until today. i figured out the trick - just be weirder than the cokehead behind the counter. done. and done. never understood lattes (soy or otherwise) anyway. onward...

ouchie

snow, he called me this morning to say stay in bed wait for me...no...but late anyway, she makes me cranky, i try my best to be kind but too often i fail. diva fight, mouse battle, swipe, wipe, breathe, just move. remember to feel loved, remember to forgive, the point is not actually to feel miserable though sometimes we sure wonder. only one, i cut my finger with a pair of scissors...wait for the ethiopian bread then bed.

roasted garlic

johnny died of aids at the age of twenty-nine

and in some small pocket of hell, there must be at least one soul condemned to riding a bus aimlessly in circles through a suburban subdivision, following a schedule that exists only on paper and searching for route numbers that change in the blink of an eye.

yesterday i added forty-four cents worth of stamps to my credit card bill at the post office, to help a stranger in need...trying to chip away at my karmic debt to the universe.

sigh.

new wave

back before she was famous, sarah jessica parker was on a show called square pegs. i was a kid. the show was about valley girls. i loved it.

my one actual memory of the show...there was a guy named johnny. he had a band. he wrote a song that went something like this:
i'm tired.
i'm so tired.
i'm very tired.
i'm really tired.
i'm totally tired.
totally.

my mom's car died. tomorrow i will wake up too early and take a train to the suburbs, then a cab to her house, so that i can teach her how to ride the bus - something she probably hasn't done in thirty or forty years.

totally.

ocean pillow blue

gaps in our knowledge and understanding are filled in with our desire

i miss him

peach licorice roundup

there's lots going on but nothing feels significant. the world gets boring really quickly when you stop looking for the hidden meaning in everything. let's see...don't remember monday, don't remember tuesday, i look at the calendar but it's december now so that doesn't help and i'm too lazy to stand up and look back. don't remember wednesday. thursday* i saw some good dancing, and the cute boy in the coffee shop gave me two cookies when i only paid for one, which was a nice bonus since it was my dinner. i chose the one with hazelnuts, for protein. (*edit - a lie - thursday was disco night, and friday came next with cookies and the like).

friday i wrote this, but was too lazy to post: it was such a gift for me to find out that there was a difference between being intuitive and being crazy. but now i have learned that being intuitive counts for shit/is a curse when the world is full of people who don't want to know. i realized today that's what i love about teaching - people pay to hear what i see that they can't. (i actually got an email from one of them on the weekend, thanking me for this...proof i'm not crazy, right?).

then i thought i should post the glamorous life by sheila e but i didn't and now i just tried but the only video on youtube has no sound so that's that. silence.

saturday: i used to come here and write because i had hope and i could laugh at myself but now it's not funny or fun, it's just sad. too many tries, too many fails, too many moments of anti-epiphany where i realize that there is a life i am not meant to have...what i find interesting, thinking about who likes me, thinking about being my mother's daughter with the veils of childhood innocence lifted from mine eyes - men who only want to fuck me or have me fix them...i come home from a family afternoon and make a punk rock booty call. sunday i wash my sheets and do battle with a mouse who is disturbed by my invasion of its home inside my home.

monday he uses a word that i haven't heard before. this is significant. little else is these days. i think i said that already. a new old song, maybe...maybe?

pain in my gut, in my head, in my shoulder. forget about the pretty blonde who somehow gets by when i wouldn't. forget about boys who would be perfect if only...fade to black and white. i should sleep.