falafel full moon chaos

no time now, remind me to tell you tomorrow

pure spirit

a travelling song for david
(he's the second man in)
and also for beverley, who inspired my path
thanks to you both, wherever it is that we go...

and then, the opposite:
made a new friend tonight
small world, one of his best friends is the girl my "the one" dumped me for
fag hag suits me just fine
at least it never matters who they're fucking behind your back

come home to a mailbox full of collection notices belonging to various exes
children, losers, users, suckers, believers...the lines blur

on the plus side, i ate quince today
something to cross off my life to-do list
i'd go back for more

would you like fries with that?

i was going to make a list but this is easier
copied, covered (from back when i used to bother with tags)

sparkle snow

i couldn't decide what to write about today
felt like nothing happened
i was cranky when i woke up
(they don't love me enough)
talked on the phone to an old teacher - she was more wise and less crazy than i remembered
ate a donut for lunch
taught myself to edit video on a pc

loud annoying dude on his cell phone sat behind me on the bus
glad i resisted my headphones or i wouldn't have heard
"are you coming over soon? good. can you do me a favour? call the 700 club and ask them to pray for me. i'm having a really hard time at school. also ask them for some forgiveness..."
that last part was apparently worth repeating. don't know what he did, but probably all of us could use a dose of it so i guess no harm in asking...
(he got more quiet when he noticed my notebook and pen creep out of my bag, but proceeded to talk anyway about not knowing what's real...mental health problems and conversations about meds, they find me, they do...and what is this world where people talk about these things on their cell phones while riding the bus?!? i AM old, it's true)
cute-ish guy up front trying to catch my eye...split focus...but crazy always wins.

laundry
red pepper alfredo sauce, strawberry ice cream and expensive red wine
watched a little tv
watched a commercial targeted to my demographic about "light bladder leakage"
might as well just kill myself now
thought about how all i can think about when i walk over the big bridge is how people go there to die, who does that?
never me, too scared to even walk near the edge
we used to talk about that...what would happen if we drove our cars over a cliff?
it's time for him to come back, my call is out to the universe
just one more...
time to get over it and move on

(note to self - you can't make the final cut if you're not even at the shoot)

cancel

today on the subway i checked out a guy who was at least fifty

it snowed all day
my wardrobe was not prepared

my own medicine

i have become that person who never writes you back

also
i have come to realize that i am (mostly, likely) now only dealing in recycled men

wind tunnel

he grabbed my arm, looked into my eyes
and insisted i promise to leave him my sweater in my will
(sometimes it pays to dress like a cute little skater boy)

later he called me beautiful, handed me a gauloise
and then threw himself into the arms of another
(the good ones know better than to mistake me for a french woman when there's a real one at my side)

almost

my friend saw him at the gym the other day
he was wearing ugly trackpants but
i bet he was still hot

resist the temptation to make my same mistakes over and over and over again
i guess this is growing up

read me to sleep

good night, friend

gold

why are short bald weird asian men so sexy?

why can't men talk about their feelings?

we pondered these questions over french fries and wine

they are compelled to never grow up.

we wait (and sometimes we cry when we get tired of waiting and wondering)

going home

so many little notes i have scribbled to myself the past few days
but what really matters, i can't quite say and he simply won't

by way of flirting, he sends me a picture of the girl of his dreams
she's the opposite of me

he's here but not
keep reminding myself to live what's right now

spent valentine's evening watching bits of romantic french movies on the internet with my best
keep reminding myself that my desire for a version of a certain future is better off not working out

remembering how it goes
i already know how it ends
at least, this far...

out of sight, out of mind
it's true
more sad to see him stay now than to see him go

living with a clown

gay men make the best boyfriends
today we went to the circus to see where he works

then we had the best dinner ever

sauce byriani, mozz. fraÎche, noix de pin, fenouil grillé, cumin torréfié

the guy who delivered our wine, he was a plant whisperer too

 

culture club on the radio, dance my happy way home

buy yourself something frilly

flashback: i knew my marriage was over when i left town for a week and he wasn't dying for me to get back

nothing says quebec in the winter like rockers in tight jeans and crazy train on the radio...

 

 

over

him, them, all of it

stay up all night so i don't miss my morning train to happy

shoot

a strange quasi-revisiting of my youth
it's true you can never quite go back
paid in donuts and pretzels
trust me to find the cute anti-social lighting tech on set within the first half hour
(one must keep oneself entertained somehow on a long boring day like this)
watch my heroes work
(blurry, i forgot my glasses)
run out into reality
late, detoured, later still, detoured again
found a friend
found a cab
caught a train
waiting in the coffee shop in between
love fool on the radio
a reminder, a hello, a farewell
messages conveyed from the beyond
today i visited my future and my past, all at once and not at all
home to pack for the next train adventure
and finally,
sleepy

damaged goods

you wait and wait and wait for something but then it happens and it's not like you thought it was going to be and then you're left with what (?)

i wish i'd had the foresight to pick up red wine and ice cream this afternoon.
i wish only happiness for the people i love, even though so many of them have broken my heart.

no boys allowed

two hours of sleep
left my wallet at home
went the wrong way on the subway (fine, if it's new york, but here?!?!)
weird man sitting too close beside me, turning and staring at the side of my face and snapping his fingers like gunshots...

now it is done
i used up all my time but it's okay i just bought more

i got to work and there were cookies
me, on the lucky receiving end of a failed attempt at bribery, made by a drunken student

my young friend says there is too much angst here so from now on this blog is only about pizza and bunnies and happy sleeping all day in the spring with windows wide open and sunshine and birds a-chirping.

tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life

breakfast

perfect men are always one of three things - gay, taken, or not-actually-perfect

dzama and morning pastries, just like old times

1920 plus 1980

equals i have a crush on my hairdresser

bored

i have wicked cramps
and jealousy pain
and bigger fish to fry
than this