ebb and flow

i always thought this should have been 'our' song but then it wasn't him so of course it wasn't...

and all the roads we have to walk are winding...

i was walking along minding my own business and there he was...

no cavities
no more words
no patience
no more strangers
no contact
no more misunderstandings
no waiting
no more games

less than zero expectations...

gloworm

i went online and i met a boy and after about five days of talking to him i realized that he is a boy i slept with more than two decades ago (he looks different now). it took a bit of time and the safety of darkness for him to recognize me back. our fingers touched when he passed me his smoke, then he offered me a drive to the subway and suggested we should go for coffee again soon. he likes my sweater and he likes my hair and he is the most beautiful boy i have ever seen. we should be having big conversations so small talk is hard. this is a new kind of puzzle, as old as this scene goes.

recalibrating...

run to you

if you love someone, set him free...

outside forever

batting zero (three strikes) on the dudes from upstate new york here...
let's purge my head of songs and pictures and dreams

radio silence

young folks, indeed...

two am traffic jam

remember

speak easy

gotta be by myself
(can't find the link...bartender did something to my drink...)
ah, america...

timekeeper

dirt mother

We spent today in fiery undertow
Swirling air and billows of smoke and your breath...
Red
Kiss me on the lips in greeting
"And then came the rain"

A unicorn floats between worlds
I stare at the back of your neck
Only a woman understands the nature of your drive
Sink, deep

I see who sees this truth
I see who hides
I see myself as your heartbreak slips magically through our hands
Going nowhere...

Shake my head, yes...
(too tired for this fight)
I come home and fall into a heavy, black sleep

pretty girl dress

met a kid like yours today
on the occasion of this french photographer's fascination
no words
i described you as my secret lover
there's that look of recognition that passes over their eyes
it gives everything away
it's all that i can do...

i wanted to send him this song but the rules have changed...

"stay out of my dreams"

his friend does not sparkle.

adonis in blue

last night i listened to evil doing lines over the phone
and when he sighed and said my name
i realized he left me behind to save me
he loves me, he loves me not...he loved me.

next, a message and a vision in my dreams
"don't give up on me just yet"
doorways and openings
i thought it was the drummer but realized later it may have been the sailor,
when a new one appeared to me as both (but only as symbol, let's be realistic)
she asked if i was still writing and then tried to hook me up with her perfect much younger son
if only i'd known at twenty-six what i know now...

tonight is the night i pick a fight with the gods
i thought that, but then he remembered me and there was no longer any need...
content (at last) to spin endlessly around this moon
such a shame they choose to turn down the volume lest her song pierce their souls

enfin

sometimes, it's just over

dear men...

flattery will get you everywhere. just sayin'.

news of the day:

- just spent hundreds of dollars on computer parts i only half understand because the dude i used to babysit when he was a kid told me to. (don't worry, he's a grownup professional now and he's going to do magic with them...but holy lesson in trust/faith/not being a control freak for a change).

- thoughts on age - all the guys my age are a mess, locked in histories in their heads (or because of their kids) with the girls they used to love. it's boring and tiring. how hard is it to be polite and/or grow a pair to just say you're not into me/it/this? musicians are the worst, the lot of them.

- older men, on the other hand, will buy you dinner and tell you you're pretty and send you funny stories and pictures of camels from their travels.

- (where is my middle?)

- wondering whether it would be more fun to go to sedona with a lawyer or a lighting designer...

- my cats really like potatoes and bathtubs and falling asleep in my arms (but only in the morning).

- feminist jungian psychology will save my sanity. everything can be explained, all you have to do is walk into the used book store and look on the right shelf on the right day. thank you fate and curiosity...i'm off to talk to my dreams.

always already

*emo alert*

it has been about a year now since the last time my heart got ripped out of my chest, thrown on the ground (still beating), and stomped on (repeatedly).

ah, memories...

home alone

one day i am just going to turn into an ice cream cone and float away

sangria

you know sometimes when you think you might be imagining things but then you go back and read again and you realize you weren't, and that somehow makes it worse than if it had all been in your head?

a true test of friendship and you know he fails...i knew deep down all along, with all of them. this one's no different. i will refrain and i will pray that's enough.

spend a day cleaning suddenly it's not so bad. more to do but at least the train has left the station. (choose my metaphor...)

my thighs got huge when i wasn't looking...abandon all hope for now, and hope there's still time by the time i find time to make it go away. for now, cheap fruity wine and off to bed. maybe the almost dreams of late will cave and give me the answers i need.

in over my....

head (over heels)

le sigh

wordless ocean

inverted inner spaces
expelling desire
blues and greens and yellows in an hourglass twist
sitting at my heart

as you wish

hold my hand and
say you're sorry (because boys don't cry...)
there are lots more things that have been like this as long as i can remember

lost inside my head

not the safest way to walk home alone in the dark

my new goal in life: one day i will play the nerdy board game against the family of geniuses (genii?) and i will win

angel

i must have died alone, a long long time ago...

receive

tonight on the way home from yoga there was a woman outside the local college jock drunkard bar playing debussy on an ancient upright piano parked in the middle of the sidewalk.

sometimes i'm not sure the things i see are real.

buddhist garden

now i am working on making peace with my front side

sunburn

spent all afternoon wandering the city talking about art with a tall dark handsome intelligent british stranger...

little punk

my cat ate a condom
$300 vet bill...

solar plexus

yellow healing
been holding it down for as long as i can remember
taut in front, long in back
reverse (the) gifts...
for her birthday, she helped me find the golden chain
ironically, the prescription is to dance
(not yet, but as soon as it all settles...)

first
recalibrate the judges
(feels like fromage, performing my witch side for you)
fire
will
power
sight
dreams

message in a bottle

don't you think it's time i let you know...

yogurt

today was the day i saw the moth that looked like a frog
and made peace with my right side

balance...
she saw it happen
"all of this and more is for you"
(that's a prince song)

never not broken
but it's all okay
little girl cat feels this moon too

bread machine

i was home long enough yesterday to open my windows for the first time in my kittens' lives...they stand alert, still...dogs and birds and trees and the world...this fresh air becomes a symbol, as does the funny round robin i've seen twice now - do birds get pregnant or is it possible for them to simply get fat? i know so little about how it all works. i have a photo but no time...though my sleep will be plagued (she hopes) by more of the morning after insomnia dreams that came today. fourteen years ago yesterday i signed up for the fairytale. now there are pictures and debt to prove i was there...still waiting, but as they say when i'm wandering the aisles of the grocery store late at night...the future's open wide...he asked for the key, that's a start.

toothpaste

kitten cuddles
my head hurts
sleep

it all just feels like yesterday

happy birthday to me

shadow

sky blue castle sandwich...
and cake

ponder
celebrate
teach
discuss amongst ourselves
rinse and repeat, though not necessarily in that order
never forget that i'm that girl

eaten alive
an embarrassment of riches
i can't formulate a single thought while he's watching

taxi to heaven

I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.
- Andy Warhol

new game

from now on, whatever song i wake up to is a sign from the universe
"uh oh"...

weirdly charming smile

i went on dates with two (very) different lawyers this weekend.

that impending apocalypse should be starting anytime now...

lawyer number one

there's a whole other world out there. i wish i'd known sooner.

cameo

silly girl

tired of being happy to be sad
but it seems the odds are against me

"The show is over, the Monkey is dead."
- Tennessee Williams

diamonds on the water

twin flames

She insisted on finding something lovable in this deeply unlovable person and a ruined soul responds to love in the only inevitable way it can — it reciprocates, and a soul gets stitched back together and a human being gets reconstructed in the process...
- Bob Geldof

beet stained hands

it's all a mystery to me

sometimes there are things you don't want to be true but they just are

sometimes you have to stick around too long to find that out

sometimes you shake your head and wonder why people go to the trouble of lying when there's not even a pot of gold at the end of their proverbial rainbow

sometimes you wonder why desire and ego are always stronger than knowing deep in your gut

an everything revealed to be so much of a nothing it doesn't even seem worth saying goodbye

"You told me about nowhere well it sounds like someplace I'd like to go..."

listen

that was some moon...
my hands, my eyes are dry
so tired
too tired to try and figure any of it out

black spring

not mine

we both collect scraps of mad genius and save it for later

one day...

do you know i do this too?
you must

i said what i said about signs but then this morning a man with a wolf backpack
(who has ever heard of such a thing?) in a suit went tap dancing down the street
til he disappeared under the bridge and vanished from my sight

clearly he was trained
and out of his mind
(or lost inside it)

joy in glimmers and wishes and memories
spun

grey

thinking so much tonight about how we say nothing because otherwise we'd have to say everything

he says they're only interested because i represent danger and escape
i guess the one who figures out i'm the opposite, wins
(or loses...depending on the ring on his finger)
we all felt it tonight...
"sadness lives in the bones of our hands"

fight the urge to make him the only one in the room

forget,
return,
disappear,
wait

care enough not to care

it wasn't such a bad day after all
one never knows
i hold my tongue and maybe the tides shift in my favour

should i be insulted that one of the others thinks i should hook up with fat, ugly, old men?
smart and sensitive isn't enough
can he rip an apple in half with his bare hands?

plagued by visions of the son i will never have
expensive wine masks this sadness
i am able to laugh today

if he ever knew me at all he'd know that was my way of saying goodbye

if I could start again...

after several years of close observation, i have come to recognize the following pattern regarding the characteristics of all men who become interested in me:
- substance abuse issues
- mentally ill
- still in love with the woman who broke his heart, even if he doesn't have one
- has already had his kids and/or is determined not to have any (more)

i almost asked you last night
what i should have done instead...

i can see the train wreck coming again
a million miles away

i have to stop reading the signs because people call me crazy when i do
especially when they're the ones who put them out

i'm feeling the need to apologize to all kinds of people who have done me wrong

hypocrite
words have meaning
except when i don't want them to

it's better when there are no mirrors
i really do prefer to be alone...
except when it gets lonely

mercy

i'm just a lost little monkey in a world full of mixed messages
at least the dancing 'round here is good

full moon, crazy wind

i am so tired of being the other woman

innocent...

at least when we dream, right friend?

i just wanted it all to be true.

you never think you're one for treason.
- matt good

snow queen

that was his advice

he wanted me to be sure i knew that valentine's day had nothing to do with him calling

truth sinks in, slowly, finally...

night caps are supposed to be social events

do a little dance

i don't believe in magic anymore
that probably sounds stupid, but it's a fundamental shift in my point of view
miracles used to fill in the gaps where my faith in people failed

i gambled and i lost

time for the dream factory...

tired (edit)

shit comes around.

i lost mine today. i'm not sure if i will find it again.

at last there is nothing left to say

yeah, you

happy fucking valentine's day (early, of course)

red book

green shirt, grey hair, wedding ring...
catch him looking
catch his eye
he lingers behind after his blonde leaves his side to seek out the gay father / star
too bad, i thought (and toyed with the idea of saying it aloud)

passing through the little park on the corner
(reprise)
all the good ones are taken, i said
(stop to write it all down now and i freeze)

this, always...
i remind you of the girl who broke your heart
(fall, and wonder)
she doesn't deserve you
and somehow, i do - for better and worse

(not) broken, still
i need to do one thing each week that grounds me
active adventure fantasy
the kids, the calm, the love
i write
and one day i will paint
i might even dance again...

maybe
this will become my journal about the end of a particular kind of hope
and the beginning of my search for another
soul, voice, self

not dead yet

drummers and photographers will be the end of me
(thank god for biceps!)

There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.
- Avenue Q