sometimes i do stupid things

i guess we'll find out if that was one of them.

in other news, there's a man i saw on the bus last week. he turned up again today. kind of israeli looking - dark eyes, big nose - but light brown skin, like the inside of a coffee crisp. well dressed. striking. he reads in public, which was the icing on that cake. i was pretty excited about him...until the boner killer - he moves his lips while he reads.

is that unkind? i was so disappointed. the search goes on...

weirdos like us

I have spent the past two days playing Idealist Counselor, just like Myers-Briggs says I'm supposed to. It's sort of hard to describe how really nice it is when the world actually gives me the chance to do what I do best...feeling no need to try and describe it for you...but maybe reading this tells you everything you want to know.

wait, i know.
it's the kind of day where you can listen to keyboard hair bands like flock of seagulls and feel happy and then go outside and the sky is blue and the air is warm but there's a breeze and there's flowers and smiles and you know that it's all going to be okay.

busted knee

Today at work I received a weird email
a prayer from one stranger for another
Not spam
Misguided incoherent
but a prayer nonetheless

There’s no one to send mine out to so I guess this is a good place to do it
he didn't want to tell me but he didn't have to
I knew today, I knew it was coming, I knew there was nothing I could do
I stand here because it’s the least I can do
maybe it’s all I can do
These tears are for powerlessness
I breathe, because it's all I can do
I wish I wish I could take it all away
No one to talk to about it because all they do is judge
it’s amazing how fast a liberal mind can shut down when faced with concrete demands on its beliefs

So tonight I forfeit work in favour of sleep
days I can find the door, it's a great place to hide from the world
Stand on my perch high above the blackness
and pray

some but never enough

i know i am old because (part two): all nighters are no longer quite the functional option they once were

if you are old and far away - are you coming to visit me soon?
if you are older than jesus and also far away - i hope you will come and talk to me again soon
if you are young and close by - you are not reading this because i didn't tell you where to find it
if you are a unicorn - i want to believe that you're reading this but i know it's probably just wishful thinking and i have no idea what i'd do if i found out it was happening for real
if you are a girl who is my friend - you might read this sometimes but you still bother talking to me in other places that have more to do with reality than this
if you are a stranger - hi, thanks for finding me and bothering to stay a minute or two - hardly anyone knows i'm here since this is kind of my dirty little secret.

insomnia insomnia go away
i know you'll be back another day

what can i dream of that will make the sleep fairy come to stay? hmmm....

grey is so a colour, especially after it rains

it's nowhere near bedtime, but i was distracted by the crazy flash rainstorm and the return of the young 'uns who don't understand the concept of quiet or of replacing the toilet paper when they use it all up...i was always jaded, as far back as i can remember...but i don't like this sense lately that i'm heading towards bitter...

and so:
perhaps this hiccup can act as a beginning
i have been so immersed in and fascinated by concepts around failure that i think i am becoming myself into one
it's incredible how much time i can kill procrastinating...hours upon hours of sitting, of staring, of nothing but circles

(i smell mashed potatoes...i want to be cooking instead of writing)

i've read the books on flow and anxiety and i know what it is and i know what to do
but i won't
the fish says i have to learn to be "a prick" to myself (that's a can of worms that we're just not going to open with regard to that particular gentleman friend)
perhaps instead i will be a fish itself
jump in and swim around inside my head and see if i can't change this tide

if i finish what i set out to do, i think i will splurge on something frivolous ($80 in my bank, but for everything else there's mastercard!). i know what would be nice - it's too bad i suspect i'm on the disqualified wackos list...might just have to settle for a painting of the ocean in a purple and green sunset...

plan B

slept all day, woken by crows in the middle of the afternoon
bought a pineapple, got myself a tax refund

i wish it wasn't such a slow night for the trains...i much prefer them to the sounds of the boom boom music party that has been going on in a not distant enough somewhere out there for at least the past six hours. i am going to go put my head through a wall if i can still hear it when i close my window. if i don't come back tomorrow, you'll know what happened to me. i hope you'll miss me, even if it's just a little.

i'm with the band

i played on the other side of the eye tonight
chance played too
as long as the somethings call me cinematographer when my footage ends up in the video/documentary that skyrockets them to superfame and fortune, i'll be a happy monkey

exciting new music everywhere, ugly poetry everywhere
and
bicycles bicycles bicycles
voices
songs
words
and later screams and fists, but not the bad kind

pizza of all kinds, tasty goodness and it's somehow enough just to think it

dragons
walls
stood on that corner for just long enough
walked just far enough
*
*
*
back and forward but nowhere at all and it's so okay today

there's nothing quite like french fries from vesta lunch at 3:30 am...

pac-man

have you ever gotten drunk and then almost wandered into traffic because you were thinking about the twenty and how funny her smile is when you fold it up right?

anyway, sorry, this one's just for me.

feels like time to let it go

today a little gift from someone i didn't know was a friend...

other people fuck up while the selfish ones lie and disappoint...and how!

but at the end of the day there's still berries and music and rainbows and sunshine and watermelon and puppies and flowers. and maybe unicorns.
i want to believe.

went on a birthday cake date with the baby supermodel and her mathematician boyfriend. next time i'm in an airport and my plane gets delayed, maybe i'll try picking up the cute stranger sitting across the waiting area and see if it doesn't work out as well for me as it did for them.

sleep is now.

except for when i'm not

drummer came by today looking for work
he forgot that it wasn't the first time we have had the same conversation
(how does that happen to me more than once?)

this guy was pretty high
at least i don't find that charming anymore

it would have been funny...
old me, different me
now
it isn't even rare enough to make me sad
lame, just tragically lame


tomorrow decides my life for the next year or so
cross your fingers for me and hope it all goes well

this never happens to me, i swear

this one hasn’t been around in a long while
i’m not all that much into motorcycles, but i sure do seem to be into men who happen to ride them
this one brought out a melodica today
much to my surprise, to my surprise
(i have a thing about melodicas)
i asked if it was what i thought it was
he said yes
i lent him a piece of duct tape for a quick repair
i noticed later that he has gotten a lot thicker
and maybe shorter
than i remember

i will never know

folded laundry, ate grilled cheese and raspberries from a pretty bowl, worked on my taxes, talked about birthdays and cake…and I still can’t get that song out of my head

tomatoes on pizza are redundant

i'm glad things didn't work out and i didn't have to move to the tropics because fuck, i hate this weather.

have you ever had a crush on a guy because he's cute and poetic and intelligent except then you're too shy to talk to him so you always come across as some giant idiot around him but then you figure he's the singer in a band and so he's probably a dirtbag anyway and then he starts dating your friend and so that's just that? and then time passes and suddenly there you are and he's kind enough to force your shyness away and you chat and remember to make eye contact once in a while or at least look at him instead of anywhere but and then it's all okay and you smile and then you leave to go walk in the rain?

audition day

raining on parades...

the world was ugly today

are we all this deluded?
too many crack whores on the corner near my work
so much I can’t articulate lately…always
too late too angry too sad
same guy sitting smoking on the stairs when I come out of the subway
too muggy too smelly too heavy too loud too far too much
forgot I meant to buy strawberries on the way home
at least this summer there’s foxglove everywhere

we all stand around by the river but nothing ever happens

days like today I feel like if we would all just remember how to dance we could save the world

wrong, wrong, wrong

i know no html so i am a slave to blogger templates. that last one was spatially retarded and it was driving me crazy. i'm feeling a little emo lately and i even put the cure's disintegration album on my ipod so black it is...make fun of myself before you do it for me.

update: er, nevermind.

not sure what my point is

there are lots and lots of things that i have hated myself for, but being somewhat insane was never one of them.

i ate hippie potato chips for dinner.

i have been dreaming a lot which means sleeping too much...i guess the fish was right, life's much more interesting in my head. riding the bus to work this morning (late as usual) i finally understood how the end of that book might actually have been less of a cop out and just more of an...acceptance? with the most recent appearance of the pink lady, i'm starting to wonder if i had the whole thing wrong...perhaps fate's version of a red herring, my favorite literary device.

talking to ourselves out loud in public, indeed.

i am secretly still such a rocker

this house makes me happy...the way the purples match and the greens match and the way they sit against the blue...there's something about it that makes all my anxiety go away...and bright colours to remind the people to forget that it's always grey and foggy...

he thinks he lost those eyes but if that were true he wouldn't be able to see me.

sleepy eyes

i am dragonette. i will go back to breathing icy white fire...just as soon as i have a little nap.

no shame, no gain

today i played supermodel. it was super fun.
outside the building were these giant pink planters (like 7 feet tall) full of purple flowers. it was possibly the most bizarre thing i have ever seen.
on my travels i passed a perfect and unexpected combination of two of my favorite plants - a juniper bush threaded through with deadly nightshade...the most incredibly beautiful weed of all time. i do love poison berries...
then it was off to the chinese restaurant we used to frequent when i was a kid. it's a full on gangster style 50s upscale diner with a separate takeout window and an amazing golden buddha sitting in a bath of pebbles in the front entrance...i asked nicely and took some pix for the sake of nostalgia. didn't have time or money for the special fried rice...next time...need to return at night to capture the neon dragon outside...(use your imagination, i'm still shooting film)
lastly, to the jewish bakery for raisin challah. so i can eat a whole loaf of bread in one day...so what?
oh yeah, and i upgraded my ram. so satisfying. so nerdy.
my temporary roommate told me i'm the quirkiest and funniest person she has ever met. she's just a babe (and actually, she would kick my ass in the supermodel department), but i'll take the compliment.

i love it when he calls me obstreperous

the silence, however, i only like when it's my choice.

spent all day today thinking about this amazing burrito i ate in seattle last summer...

disguises

the only thing guaranteed to fill me with delight is old sesame street.
for some reason i am reminded of this a lot lately but especially today.
maybe picture bert with a guitar in his hands...
ahem.

i know i am old because

1. my stylist is into hardcore bands that i have never heard of.
2. text messaging is a chore.
3. i am coming to terms with men and pot bellies. i never thought i'd see the day.
(this post inspired by leftover sugar high/hunger cramps and not knowing why the old man seems to be ignoring me these days. and so it goes. sleep is not my friend today.)

randoms

I have been listening to the Pixies a lot lately because of you. Why does the world think I'm a bad person because I can't wake up in the morning? I realize that part of the reason is because he totally reminds me of my beloved Keanu. Ice cream tastes better when you mash it up and make it soft...except HD. The kid next door has always driven me crazy...but now that he's growing up I can tell he's just a misfit like me. I feel sorry for him and the long road he has ahead...

If I could have my way all I would do is lie still in silence and listen to the world. Sometimes you are there too.

suddenly so sleepy

the perfect man has to believe in magic. i forgot to tell him that when he asked.

there was more when i was on my way to the grocery store in the pastel green (?) and pink sunset earlier this evening...it faded away somewhere and i suppose that's fine.

i hope he's good to her. i hope she's good to him. i wonder about people and their lies and how much we all get away with and how easy it is and whether or not it really matters as long as no one gets hurt.

i wanted to watch the movie but my battery died and there's no plug near the bed and so sleep it is.

forbidden

Sometimes there are things you can't say and sometimes there are things you say that you wish you never had…but worst of all are the things you didn't realize how much you wish they weren't yours to say until you're saying them out loud.

Today there are two stories.

The first begs a question of what do you do when your hair stylist is cute and interesting and nice and talented…and NOT GAY! Anyhow…sometimes I imagine things and sometimes I chicken out and at the end of this day I can't even really gamble on boldness because this is the best fucking haircut I have ever had in my whole entire life so I can't screw up our professional relationship. Plus, we kinda have the same bangs…it's a consideration, no?

And sometimes there are days when nothing happens and other times things happen that are too big to talk about. That silence feels a bit the same. Today's second is part of a story with a long history and no future (until maybe the retirement home)…and it falls into that latter category. Me and he, our worlds are a circus bleeding all over the magic forest...

If you need me I'll be dreaming of washi and Totoros and salsa with cucumbers and whales and Degrassi and haircuts and Japanese villages in the foothillls of the mountains, movies Godzilla anime music music music and a story about a monk living alone in a temple on the top of a hill who tells a story about a monk living alone in a temple on the top of a hill who is writing a story about a monk…alone…

livre de visage

I had this massive urge to listen to Martin Gore's Counterfeit.
Then I found myself looking you up.
Depeche Mode is always forever about you.
(Well, and maybe him too…)
Is it true you turned into a famous DJ?

I was a superstar DJ/producer.
I had a big trance hit about ten years ago.
Drugs, women, partying almost killed me.
I took three years off…just getting back into it now.
I have a new album coming out soon on this German label...

I never understood that music.
But good for you.
Good for you too about getting clean.
I know how hard that is.
You, my ex-husband, my skater friend from high school, my best friend from back then too.
Must be something in the water out there.
Either that or my taste in men.

You know what they say about divorced women?

No, but maybe you should tell me.
It might explain a few things…
Do you remember what you said to me the last time you phoned me?

I say and have said many shocking things. What did I say to you?

Sorry…don't know how this one ends yet/again…though I'm going to put my money on not happily ever after…

we drank martinis in the rain

1.
I once had a romance with a boy who lived in a cardboard box.
Later he played bass in a punk rock band.
These past few years you can find him sitting on a stoop in the market, drinking a beer and watching the world go by.
(I thought just weekends but apparently it's Tuesdays now too.)

I used to dream about him…today I decided to talk to him.
If I look young for my years now, he looks old for his.
It has been almost twenty since the first time I crossed him
Green mohawk, tanned skin...skateboard riding perfection.

He remembered me, just not my name.
His eyes are still the same.
But he's quiet now.

2.
She went home to Israel. I don't know when I'll see her again.

3.
By the gas station
I saw a man flip over the handle bars of his bike.
I asked if he was okay. He said yes. I walked away.

I stopped. I checked back. He was still getting back on his feet.
I asked if he needed any help. He said no.
I walked away.

I looked back.
He was riding down the sidewalk towards me.
We stopped.
He said thank you.
He showed me the umbrella all bent up from its tango with the bike wheel.
I told him it was a spectacular fall.
He asked me my name.
He asked where I was going. He asked if home was close.
He said he'd walk with me for a bit.

He told me it was his friend's bike, that he used to ride all the time in France, but this was different, that it was new, that maybe he was going too fast…
He told me he was from Lebanon but he came here ten years ago.
He told me he was just coming back from the concert of an Algerian singer.
(there is something about Algeria that intrigues me)
He told me he took his mom. He told me she was visiting.
Then he asked me too many questions.
And I wondered if we were going too fast…

He showed me his hands.
I said he was going to hurt tomorrow.
I wanted to ask his name but it was dark.
And late.

He told me he was going to meet some friends.
We got to my street.
I told him it was time for me to go.
I walked away.

I remember wondering the other day how strangers fall in love.

I wonder if I will remember that I walked away.

tony made me do it

The fish said i like to live in fantasy
And so i'm attracted to boys who can't handle reality
I say it's a question of unicorns
One brown eye like the rock star
One blue like a cross between a husky and the boy i loved when i was sixteen
and an alicorn that shoots rainbows
He's still small
Lies at my feet while i curl up on my side in the moonlight by the river
With a crow at my back
They watch while i wait to figure out where i'm supposed to go next
Until then this is peace and good enough maybe for sleep