death

(in the vein of william sadler as...)

i realized this morning
waiting for the bus,
that last night i stood
in my long black coat,
pale in the lamplight,
with my hood up to shield me from the wind
and i wonder
if the little guy
saw me
with a scythe in my hand...

angels and guides,
wandering in our midst
just as lost
as the rest

little raccoon

tonight a woman came into my office,
asking to use the phone to call for help,
there was a raccoon at number 64,
down the street,
badly injured,
dragging his legs behind him,
with what looked like a bone sticking out,
shivering...

i called the humane society -
there was no answer,
at the emergency number for reporting animals in distress.

next
the spca told me
to hang up and call my local humane society,
if it was an emergency about an animal in distress.

a moment to think.

i called the city animal control number
the man who answered told me that in ten minutes
it was likely the animal was gone,
that he had seen them run up trees in that condition.
he said if i went outside and it was still there,
i could phone from my cell and they would send someone,
but i'd have to wait and watch until they arrived
"in an hour or less"

bundled up,
took my wallet,
but forgot my hat
walked down the street
no raccoon
no blood
no trace

bought food,
walking back
i found him in the walkway between two houses
68 and 70
quite a walk
for a guy with no legs...
he looked at me
fear and pain in his eyes
and then he dragged himself to the backyard,
to safety?

i stood back
left him his space
and soon enough he reappeared
dragged himself to a tree
and stood
contemplated
hoped
and turned away
back to the space between the houses
out of the blowing snow
but not out of the minus fifteen degree cold
and not out of pain

he stared at me again
and i promised him help was on the way
i didn't expect them to save him
just to end his suffering

the white van arrived,
forty minutes later
she was silent and stoic
she had no interest
in hearing about the little guy's heroic last push

she took her net
he fought
as much as he had left
(not much)
she swung the pole over her shoulder
he hissed and thrashed
as much as he had left
(not much)
she marched him back to the van
and as i stood by
horrified
helpless
she dumped him into the back
without ceremony
and closed the doors.

a moment to think.

i hope
she took it easy around the corners,
driving back to the shop
i hope
they put him down quickly,
with the needle i wish she had used
in the back of the van
i hope
he forgives me
for trying to help him avoid
dying
afraid
and
alone

icicle party

rachel also went to indonesia where she met
a
crazy little monkey
with very black eyes

looking for

a sign
a door
to in
or out
or just
somewhere else
a hand
an ear
some hope
a friend

miss understood/led

I have spent
(some might say too much)
time
staring into firelight

now my hair is gray
but hidden well
my thighs
and my ass
bigger than I care for
I sleep more
I lie more
I fuck more
I eat more
I drink more
I spend more
I care less

I want to read the ending again
but I can't get past the junk to reach the shelf

I know it was about giving up
not about fighting
but I figure if I keep looking
it might somehow turn itself around

in the meantime I will
put myself to rest/peace/calm/sleep
reading about minimalism

pogo

because it's not about beauty
it's about energy
i used to stand in front of the tv
and jump up and down
until my head spun

fantasy shopping

* "i really have no idea what's going on"
* rare (knock on wood) shooting on the subway
* showing the new girl how to update the database when someone becomes "deceased"
* freaky guy sitting on the stairs
("i lost something, but actually i think i found it in the bathroom"...bolts)
* raccoons in all four chimneys
* invitation, excuses, regrets
* three hours trying to convince the printer i got on sale to do its work
* an hour on the phone/computer with tech support
* one new printer on its way (for the time that could have bought me four, or a regular price one, plus one dollar on my credit card as "collateral")
* faux-pas/busted (with pizza)
* regrets, excuses, apologies
* a reminder that unicorns do not actually exist, regardless of what the t-shirts want you to believe

tall socks and boots
i prefer to be on the receiving end
(of good things)

at the end of this day, i'm really just curious to know how and where i will be able to see a real starfish before i go
(test print)

whatever/disappearing

turns into hope
i can't wait for the happy violins

insomnia was
i almost fell asleep on my feet tonight while standing and waiting for the bus in minus twenty degree weather

cold was and is
i have to hand it to the newfoundlanders
they sure know how to make a great winter hat

shift into red candy berries, pringles, apple-cheddar pecan muffins and lemonade...
sleepy now
it will all somehow be okay

starving

i was too tired to eat dinner and now it's too late

the left hand draws energy from the centre of the earth
the right one closes the circle

remember that time when we almost?
what were you going to say to me that you never said?

my legs and my arms take turns falling asleep
my brain and my heart and my gut lie awake

find an ending...

i am the voice at the front of my own room

red knuckle

interesting fact:
i own 46 candle holders
(give or take)

the other night i was thinking
'this is the kind of night when homeless people die'

today
(with apologies to all of the homeless people i have known)
and
(unshowered for two days after being sick in bed)
i went to work smelling like a homeless person
because it wasn't safe
to stay at home...

reminded
i have never had the luxury
of not knowing
that it's never more than a (mis)step away

"escape goat"

headache
bedtime
broke
down
genius

bunny snowman
it was too dark to take a picture
but in the morning
it will be too bright

in my gut
us
remains
impossible...
only looking forward now
more than everything else on this earth

silence before...
not waiting
no more begging
done saving
lies or not, irrelevant
it's time to just wash the fucking rice
(rachel also went to northern thailand)

the mystery of the broken finger

i was going to write something
about fires raging
while the world turns to ice
but it has already been said
(better)
by men on clouds, and the like

the words slip away faster when it's cold
tonight i chose
(again)
the road less traveled
less sensible
less obvious
less easy
less direct
and perhaps,
also
not the one
that will cost
the least

a wise and dirty clown said today
there are choices in life,
and sometimes
they pass
right under your nose

wonderland

does anyone actually read this thing?
(except you friend, i know you're here)...
blink once for yes
(which, coincidentally, is apparently how a cat says 'i love you')
for no,
i guess you can just sit there
and go about your business

no craft
yesterday i realized i use
quotes
as illustrations

this one has a picture that goes with
but i'm too lazy to get out of bed
(in other words)
it's not where it's supposed to be

technically, i'm too old for this too

badass, punk rock attitude on a super friendly fairy muppet who loves big words and funny words and dancing and magic. she has a habit of turning things into pumpkins (sometimes by mistake) and she has a pet frog named prince.

it's not every day they make one of these. i am in love.

i am too old for this

my body is
mashed potatoes
with cheddar cheese
and garlic
and pumpkins seeds
for fun

my brain is
caffeine
and sugar
and non-reality

the world is much easier
when there are
no people in it
except for the ones
in books
and on TV

raspberry chocolate

things that keep coming back:
- full moons
- friends
- ants
- unicorns
- viruses
- mimes
- crooked teeth
- that one single goddamn fruit fly/gnat
- my mistakes/failure
- crazy deluded ladies who just want to dance

spring is next, right?

horoscope

"There are always flowers for those who want to see them."

- Henri Matisse

rachel went to zanzibar

eyes are funny beasts
and all i could see
when i returned
to the nowhere from whence i came...
plains of loneliness
and oceans of fire

he was right about the only thing i ever wanted.
through the yellow haze
i will learn to share

beyond (the) real
i will pray that she understands

red light

things i really want but can't have right now:

1. boots

2. you

i love the smell of the fortune cookie factory

of course, it's all out of order
as it should be
is now, and ever shall be

we cheat,
not like that,
but also yes,
like that
the only way i can get through a maze
is backwards

spare
pink roses
brown quilts
princess leia
and
the corningware with the blue flowers on it

i fail, again,
even as i try

i still think the world looks better like this

new year's day

shadow train, shadowplay

i will be with you (again)