epiphanies

he's just not that into me
(and my beloved keanu should watch out for justin long!)

san francisco

things often don't look so bad
until you get a closer view,
until you've been around long enough to start to notice details
a room in paradise
with a view overlooking hell...
i walk fast
and become invisible

never sure which way is up
i went to the top
looking for that place i see in my dreams
the sign was there (lillie hitchcock coit)
but it wasn't quite
i stood dizzy above the clouds
i rode the bus down with the pink lady
i forgot that i look okay with a tan

finally found the copy of nine stories i have been searching for
bought it in the store where the beat poets used to hang
so much dancing on these streets
i read and write in snapshots lately

tomorrow i will go to the ocean
to the beach where the rocks of love came from
mysteries to unfold
there is this space full of the unknown
i will follow...
that's all

stanford/vacation

so much for my plan to meet a lonely physicist and then live happily ever after

onward...

offerings and leftovers

scent of jasmine
it gets cold in the desert at night

i think of you often
as the fierce wind dances in the sun

there is so much i should say
but you already know
and i'm the kind of tired that comes from being outside

we talked today about possession, cannibalism, power
there is no present without the shadow of memory

raspberries
and scarves in june
salt from oceans far away
i tried to be perfect
full moon birthday (you can see it in my eyes)
and a solstice sunset
mysteries and the value of questions
you say i'm a dreamer...
sometimes a greasy monkey,
the force of wishes can nearly knock me off my feet

i walk
i sit
i listen
i watch
i take

i should probably stop waiting,
but first i must sleep

full circle

speeding past endless ditches full of purple and white phlox
green, the undersides of poplar leaves flashing in the sun
bright-blue sky and the turquoise beaches of my dreams,
today with sailboats and windmills

how much of who i used to be do i want to keep?

dusk-blue dusk, water and sky
a perfect, round, glowing orb suspended somewhere between
moonlight beams a golden path onto the lake
interrupted only by the hands of the clouds as they pass before her

he knows my name now,
my curiosity wanes
my friend leaves once more for israel,
and again i don't know when i'll see her next
a cute guy on a bike - "cheers" as he passes me on the sidewalk,
a block later (on that same corner as before) he parks and looks me over as i pass by
no accidents this time
no coincidences
no drama
the magic dissipates...
for everywhere i've been this year
i'm really not much closer than i ever was

love is...

...having sex with someone enough times that they actually get to know your underwear collection

sad but true

i am at my best when i honestly no longer give a shit

roasted red peppers

somewhere around here it all starts to bleed together

waiting room

it's all about timing
dismissed - but i hate being wrong so i'm going to stop guessing
stood up - but i'm sick anyway so i'll come home and sleep
the best i can do is a dirty old punk rock nut who wants to make me birthday dinner and vodka - i said i had plans, and i'll eat cake alone if i have to to make it true
no one is ever completely forgotten
my ocean came back (like the wonder twins - form of...sky)
i will put my happy thanks out into the universe and hope it lands where it's aimed
joy finds me when i least expect it
at river's edge
at this great height
memories of...
we let it all go
i dance those smiles and dream into tomorrow...

sick and finally tired again

an injured squirrel
a dove
a pond of goldfish
irises are the only flowers that have done well in this crazy cold
i pretend not to hear the voices that float by on the wind
i know, i don't want to know
there must be more but i have no idea where to begin

best friend

a little distance
feels like it's time to start writing these ones down...

he was my "doué buddy"
("gifted" in french, "dove" in the misprinted high school yearbook)
once every week they took a bunch of us from our respective schools
and sent us down the highway in a taxi
to another school
where we would explore the contents of our exceptional minds
by writing children's books
and watching the space shuttle explode on TV

beautiful, athletic, popular, smart, funny
adopted, damaged
the perfect asshole gentleman
by fifteen he knew what it was to stare deep into the void
leather jacket, james dean in the rain

he dated the girl next door
but he loved me more than anyone else
dead poets society will always be about the night his hand slipped between my thighs in the darkened theatre
and how i made him stop

from then on he threatened anyone who tried to touch me
while continuing to date the wrong girl
one day i moved on
and despite his promises
he disappeared

skip forward thirteen months or so
an unexpected surprise (i suppose that's redundant)
an invitation
an apology
a renewal
looking back
a gift of an ancient wisdom
and an awkward intimacy

to see him happy, and at his request
i set him up with my friend, the girl across his street
beautiful, popular, talented
perfect
i cried alone

one crazy night he broke his leg on snake mountain
eighteen, and still staring into the black
he returned to me
flashback
point break will always be about the night he kissed the back of my neck
while his hand slipped between my thighs in my darkened living room
a snowy and treacherous night for driving in the country
handicapped
he somehow took my offer of a bed as a betrayal of our friendship
i tried desperately to understand
i never did

skip forward to the outset of my own demise
i walked past a fading version of him and the still-perfect girl in a shopping mall
we locked eyes
and pretended not to see
i rode the escalator straight up into the fancy chocolate store
i abused my credit card
and then i went home and wept alone

he disappeared again into his own deep, thrashing ocean
skip forward thirteen years or so
gossip with an old mutual friend...
rumours of how his life had spiraled into a mess
of crystal meth, cocaine, and gay porn
i found a photo of him online, long since removed
a casting agent's gallery of photos of potential extras
bloated, haggard, scarred
but somehow still beautiful
i looked into his eyes
and all i could see was the abyss
i no longer cry over him
but i do wonder if he's still here
no longer any trace
i wonder how i will know when (if?) he has gone from this world