date crasher

you know how angels in movies are always bus drivers and stuff?
tonight i got off at the back door
he honked, opened the front door, and pointing upward at the sky
shouted
"that's venus and the moon, check it out!"
i did
a sliver of light covered up in shadow
fog
a beacon revealed in its midst
no camera for that
or the fire extinguishers and roses scattered amidst the fake snow and vodka
images for an evening only meant to live on in my head
back away slowly
no one gets hurt
there is enough for all of us to find our way
it's about...
it's something

just like a dream

life here in the bubble is fantastic
we're doing just fine
in my mailbox this week,
the circus has jumped the shark
fonzie ad on the subway
always delays when I come home these days
"security" problems
crazed aggression on the trains
not how it's supposed to be
foul things in the air lately...
wakeup calls, or invitations to sleep?

dear diary

not much to say, i'm sleeping badly and eating a lot of cookies. i got the bag on sale at the grocery store for a dollar. i think they're making me sick.

lots of fizzling going on. lots of ways. everything is out of joint. my joints are swollen and bruised, arthritis is going to be a bitch when it hits my hips. anyway...

post 200 was supposed to be magical. i was going to take a picture of my ass in my favorite jeans (lee riders series 200 - at least i think that's what they are - vintage, no tags, no way to know the size or style for sure so i can replace them - they are falling apart). can't be bothered, no one reads this anyway so what's the point? insert mental picture here - i know what it would have looked like, good enough.

more and nothing to say. suburbia the siren beckons, the victor emerges, i go about my business shrouded in the fog of my own demise...

no man is an island

yes, rachel went there too

little bird

funny (not) to think about how i narrowly escaped with this (my) life
uninspired
weird dreams
walking down the street with myself but not
strange peace and quiet in this manic me
more myself than not
i could have a life if i didn't spend it daydreaming
no need, no care, no ties
choose the cupcake with the icing,
show your card
show him how
sit

got/gave stuff back
it doesn't count if you make it whole grain but then pack it with sugar to
hide the taste
just call the spade the spade
there are tricks to disappearing
mostly involving not thinking too hard
and waiting too long

got lucky
got more than i imagined
fight, dance
in the snow
"always on the periphery" (he plays the fool)
i fell for it/him
a smile for his return
it's windy on the rooftop in the cold

do you believe in signs?
because i do
libraries and pianos and bright pink christmas cacti that bloom again in february
got to believe we are magic

the beginning of my way...
all
fall
down

mirage

i fight the same fight every night...

i told him this already
friend
i told him he could buy me dinner in the summer
fool
i told him it was done
cheat
i told him it would be okay
liar
i told him i would and we could
coward
i told him i was happy for him
liar

i'll just sit here until i wake up

switch

i guess something that obvious doesn't get to count as a premonition,
but the form of it was a surprising and intriguing plot twist

museum, circle, walking in the dark there is peace
totems underground, change the path, protection
find new energy here

a cute stranger asked me where to catch my once again re-routed bus
construction season has begun again,
in february
there are no flowers to distract me on my long walk
just the distant echo of drums

animal

spider fest, farmfest - lest i forget
the king james version of this kind of violence...
better left as unfulfilled/forgotten desire

blue unicorns, red licorice, green mohawks

from the email that spies on conversations to halprin to a yoga centre named after the virgin mary madonna to babaji to mangala to sanjaya now shawn to the other woman who wasn't but showed me who was to the buddhist jew to the pious who use it to mask their indecency as humans to my broken heart that still beats to belated christmas gifts to forti to ucla to san francisco and plans of what might be...

i dreamed of her baby boy crying in a crib in the corner while everyone danced but me...i spoke to him and he stopped so i took him away thinking it was the right thing to do, she was angry. despite this we found adventures and bad guys, he shot beams from his eyes that coated the windows like the back of the theatre and we were hidden and safe but forty floors up. down some stairs down below grass and trees round the back and at the side of the building he was there but it was okay...a disguse, this grown up now was my best friend hindu deity (half monkey hanuman maybe) dressed in a black lace bra...we laughed

no motivation, i still miss my best.

in the guise of older secret me she promised relief if i would just let go. we will celebrate in the cafeteria perhaps and she will never know of the life that granted me an image of my past dressed up like henry rollins for halloween.

so we dance...

protein buzz

green and red and lemon and salt
brown pot belly sparkles
why are we all so quiet and still?
what can i teach him?
false propriety
(slick your hair back!)
false adventure
how dare you!
how is it we are all still paying for this?
his hands move and i notice he has been standing there for a long time.

ridiculous
silver, my gay grandfather
should i feel guilty for writing when the whole point is about reflection?
i can't take my eyes off him...
she just doesn't like who you are

bat/kick/OW!
glittering empty full silence
i watched him approach, then nothing
love, satisfy, when things line up
(planets aside)
responsibility lies where?
lips swollen and burning
let the moment speak with its own power,
stop looking back

i couldn't find the one she was talking about
no one laughed
i just kept waiting for him to speak
frozen, when he looked into my eyes

go back in the corner
and dance by yourself
and for god's sake,
get yourself some new pants

pocket full of posey

yes the pot i washed tonight
has been there
since christmas
(it only really had water in it)
problem is
prince charming does the dishes
but he ain’t here

overactive imagination
the three great mysteries
in no particular order
i wonder how innocent she really is
how much he lies
if i am blind

one disappears
the other won't go away
and in between
is where i care
secrets written on stone
tonight one less
as i add two more to the pile
i know what i see

the pit
the edge
lightning flashes
that music takes me back
to a not good place
i never want to be
that unhappy
again

i get it now
i do
what was there
or not
irrelevant
there is just now
and if any of us are lucky,
maybe tomorrow

troy

baker man riding a goose...
and what is he doing in a lamp store?

resist
commit
resist is the strongest source
she said
outcast
ensemble
my mom's name is helen, too
all of my guides are crazy
what does that say?

i wish i had a fireplace
and why was that man rubbing the turnstile in the subway station
with a napkin?
today i helped push a car out of the snow
and it's much harder work to walk home in this weather.

alarm in my throat
should probably have expected
antigone would make an appearance
(i prefer anouilh, and his lark)

“but I know you wanted me to be there”
what a song for today...

accidentally dyed my hair black and now i am a vampire

tonight a man walked past me toward the bus
and i heard him say goodbye to someone on the phone
in ukrainian
it made me feel special,
like i knew a secret
no one else could hear

thinking about mountains
and wide open expanses
of grass and light and air
and sky
suddenly i am struck by the urge to sit around and watch french movies all day

aside:
sometimes my nose is really senstive
today the whole world smelled like gasoline

tonight i think maybe i will dream about rivers

conflation

fucked in the head
(sung to the tune of 'kicked in the nuts' by random killing)
in my delirium i thought it was dayglo at first
because why the hell not?
(that's all i've got tonight)
that's what i get
for editing for hours on end
and being nowhere near done
too hard to tell
what means what
anymore
screw poetry
thirteen more pages
then
i'm going to bed

pssst...

the one thing words can't do
is mark the length
or the weight
of a silence