me and my shadow

this is one of the best things i have seen in a long time.

this is also one of the best things i have seen in a long time.

i think i decided today that windy is my favorite kind of weather.

crash

today was a day of false starts.
i woke up, said goodbye, drank some coffee, went back to bed.
woke up, ate pizza for breakfast at 2pm, tried to fix my broken thermostat...
a song a message
opened the window to let in the rain
not ready to start yet but
running out of time.

made some (maybe not so) innocent bad jokes that I think are going to cost me more than i expected
which was none

sometimes i suck, today is one of those days
fuck
baby
a guy who makes me feel like i'm lying in bed getting punched in the gut is always bad news anyway

i sent the monkey monk off with my last peach to keep me safe, to make sure that the one who calls out the darkness wouldn't return
reminded of his absence,
how do I get him back without sacrificing the ocean I sent him to guard?

properly nuts - it’s a phrase that haunts me,
phantomwise

imagine if we were on the same side?
the ego must be quiet or its all going to end in tears

“Of this same flimsy, magic stuff our dreams were woven in the night - nothing, with all the pictures of the world in it.” (Hesse)

quit playing games with my heart

I just tried to play solitaire but I opened up my calculator by accident instead. It actually confused me for a second.

How do I get myself into situations where I have to defend my honour against random strangers? I guess it’s the price I pay for an all night pass into the realm of the infinite...the force demands balance. The thing I love about this writing business is that the more full of shit you are, the more people think you're a genius. I'll admit I pat myself on the back from time to time - it sounds something like this: Omigod I am a fucking genius sometimes! (no one is reading this so it’s okay to brag, right?)

I am a badass and just sliced cucumbers on the counter with no cutting board (I’ll regret it in the morning, what else is new?)

So it seems I have discovered (a little too late but not so late that it doesn't still count) that the key to being able to write non-fiction is to read fiction. Good fiction. Genius fiction. Crazy fiction.

Thesis detritus: The fish told me to write and so I wrote, and now it's time for some zen-like platitudes. Here's what I realized today: there is a real difference between knowing and doing, between wishing and being, between creating and living.

Er, don’t look at me for answers...if I had any I would have written the book, gotten rich and made my way out to one of my many mountain village homes (I'm was thinking maybe BC, Ukraine, Japan, and Ireland...do they have mountains in Ireland? They have nice voices there, anyway. I’ll make it work somehow. Hmmm, and I guess I'll have to add the monkey sanctuary to that now - yeah, 'round these parts we just call them all monkeys, but we like all kinds) where I will be attended by hot dark-haired men with nice sideburns who like to stay in bed all day...when they're not busy making me dinner.

Right, so since this blog is actually supposed to be about boys and my misadventures in romance in preparation for the writing of my own great, groundbreaking novel (about same), here is a pickup line I thought of just now:
"Hey, wanna go for a ride on my merry-go-round?"

I fucking hate it when you ignore me, and you know it, don't you?

Hmmm, I hope I haven’t shot my proverbial wad here. Back to work. A bientot. (how do you make accents on this thing?)

you just never know

I love days like today when I can have all the windows open, when some of the silence ends, when the songs I love make themselves heard, when there’s light and promise in the air and pink lemonade in my fridge.

I got a FB invite from a producer in New York who was clearly adding to her empire through a suggestion of common friends, but I figured what the heck? and lo and behold, a little bit of guts and a click or two, a few hours later I found myself engaged in some lovely casual wall chats with one of the greatest performance artists in all the land. It’s so easy to forget that sometimes all you have to do is show up, say yes, open the door...even if you’re not sure why or how you’re doing it…the magic always wins if you let it.

With his good wishes now I will go to write...straight into dreams if the gods are with me. There's a painting on the line; second choice, but we've all got to touch base with reality from time to time now, don't we?

cherries and peaches

absolutely nothing happened today.
it was great.
i woke up just before 4, and now i am going back to bed.
the end.

shadow dancing

this is how it plays out in my head:

he writes back,
"What am I supposed to say to that?"

and I write,
"Anything.
(Ha ha, you walked right into that one, Mr. Dobler!)"

that's quality Rushmore worthy material...no?



i need to get a life.

"It was lovely to be tired."

A few days ago I was inspired to go back to A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and relive my falling in love with Joyce. Smiling out loud on the subway, having to stop every paragraph so I can read it over and over and over and over until it sinks in and the picture sets behind my closed eyelids...it's so beyond my own grasp of language to really describe how he makes me feel...it's close to that thing of having no need to move on, when a few words (as like a certain kind of touch) can make you perfectly content to stay forever...maybe this hunt is only about replacing that feeling from when I was a kid and would lie in bed all day with my books...fantasy fantasy fantasy...where it all makes sense.

So back to this world, it seems it was worse than he let on. Tomorrow I will once again spend visiting hours at the mental hospital, a place I forget some, most, people never see from the inside even once. But I've never managed to master the whole walking away thing...probably I guess never quite convinced myself to believe in it.

Today was full of tiny episodes of the "too fucking vivid" variety (apologies to Tom Robbins). All I want to do now is sleep.